Anniversary approaching...

As we approach my survivor's second birthday and the second anniversary of my son's death, I feel great ambivalence. I don't feel the overwhelming grief that I felt last year. My son's presence or lack there of is less heavy. However, this in and of itself makes me feel sad. Grief doesn't come with a rule book, which each mourn our losses in different ways, but sometimes I feel guilty. Are the choices I've made wrong, have I not done enough to honor my son's memory? Obviously I will never forget and his loss will always be felt, but I desperately want to move forward. For myself, for my daughters, my husband. Selfishly I don't want him to be part of our everyday lives, isn't life for the living? I don't want my daughters' lives to be overshadowed by their missing brother. He wasn't even here, he was stillborn. We don't know what he would've been like, I mourn the loss of what could have been sure, but I don't know if I mourn him, I never knew him.

My husband and I have chosen not to make our son part of our everyday lives. We have chosen not to have elaborate ceremonies to remember. We light a candle on his anniversary and other significant days in the Jewish calendar, but that's about it. My husband, older daughter and I all feel the loss of what could have been. I think we'll always carrier him in our hearts. I'm not sure yet what my surviving twin will think. I don't know if she'll remember him or feel his loss. She's a happy little girl and I don't ever want to burden her with our grief. I'd never hide the loss from her, but I don't want it to shape her.

I'm starting to feel some peace with our choices, but there's that little nagging voice that says you're not doing enough, you're forgetting about him, what kind of mother are you! How do I quiet that voice? That insecurity that some how we're not good enough. I guess I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. On my darkest days I remember that there are two little girls here that need me, that the best way I can honor my son is to be the best mother I can to his sisters. And, most of all that it's ok to be happy for what I have rather than sad for what I don't and if anyone judges me for that, then that's not my problem. Some days it's a lot easier than others. This year I'm working on letting going of the guilt. Now, I just need to figure out how to celebrate my survivor's birthday and mark another milestone that my son won't reach.

The future?

Whether or not to try and get pregnant again has been weighing heavily on mind. Sometimes I think I want another baby other times I wonder if I just want a do-over. A chance to get right what went wrong with the twins. Obviously I know it doesn't work that way, but I can't help but wonder if that's why I want to try again. I know many women believe that their subsequent babies healed the hurt and mended their broken hearts, but I'm not sure I can put our family through another pregnancy.

I think my daughters are mending my broken heart. Those two little girls are what sustained me through the darkest hours of my life. When I didn't want to get out of bed or eat or even breathe, I did it because they needed me too. The baby needed to nurse, so I needed to eat. My oldest needed her Mommy more than she ever had and so I just put one foot in front of another and just pushed through.

Not only did my son die, but I lost so much time with my daughters, how can we put our family through another pregnancy. I have so many positive memories of my oldest daughter's first year, the little one's first year is a blur. We're finally starting to get ourselves back together and a pregnancy seems like going backwards to some extent. I can probably list a dozen reasons why another pregnancy is a bad idea, but there's that pull. That pull that I just can't articulate.

We're going to an adoption info session next week. We've been talking about possibly adopting a child through the foster care system. We always thought that we'd have two kids, but when we got pregnant with the twins we opened our hearts to having three. We have room in our hearts and our home for a third child, it seems right to fill that space with a child that needs a home. I know adopting an older child through the foster care system is not an easy road. My first job out of law school was representing abused and neglected children. I have a fairly realistic idea of what we're getting ourselves into. Anyway, that's our dilemma do we take in a child who desperately needs a home or do we take the pregnancy plunge. I'm hoping the answer will come to us.

It still stings.

I still don't know how to answer the question about how many children we have. We went to a community event tonight where we didn't know anyone. My husband had spoken to the organizer on the phone before, but we had never met her. She came over to introduce herself and commented on how cute the girls were, but of course it didn't end there. She then said, "oh two girls how lucky, are you going to try for a boy?" It felt like a stab in the heart, I thought I was doing so much better. I really wanted to say, we have a son, he died, but I didn't. I just smiled and made a comment along the lines of, oh I think we're done. I wish it didn't hurt so much, but mostly I wish people would think before they spoke. I know this woman did not mean to hurt us, but that's just my point. If you don't know someone very well maybe you shouldn't be commenting on something as personal as procreating.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Lots of my friends are lighting candles tonight in memory of their lost babies. To anyone grieving the loss of child, I'm so sorry. It's a road I wish no parent had to travel.

I'm not sure why, but I don't want to light a candle. I do feel that the message needs to get out and that parents should be able to talk about their losses. I think there's a tendency in our society to not talk about death or anything sad for that matter. I think we especially don't want to talk about miscarriage and stillbirth. My own family makes me feel like I shouldn't be talking about my son, that I just need to move-on. That I should just be grateful that my daughter survived. I am so grateful that my daughter survived, but that doesn't make me miss her twin brother any less. You'd think based on my families' response, I'd be first in line to promote Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, but no. I've been trying all day to figure out why I feel this way, but I just can't seem to identify the feelings.

I've been struggling to find a way to honor my son's memory, I've yet to find that outlet. I want to remember him and honor him, but at the same time I don't want it to consume me. I want to move forward from the grief, I don't want it to define me. I want to carry me son's memory with me, rather than on me.

Gratitude for the kindness of a stranger.

My oldest has been asking to see a picture of her brother, a lot. We've shown her some pictures of his hands and his feet, but she really wanted to see something of his face. We really weren't comfortable showing her the one we had. He didn't look very good since he had passed over week before I delivered him and we were worried it would scare her.


We found a woman that is a graphic artist who retouches pictures of babies in our situation for no charge. She did a beautiful job and we were finally able to show my daughter a picture of her brother. We also have something to show our survivor when she gets older and asks about her twin. The woman does it in memory of her own lost baby.


This journey of mine has brought some amazing women into my life without whom I'm not sure I could survive. I'm a member of a club that no one wants to join, but am eternally grateful for the generosity of the other members. I am so sorry that I had to meet another member, but there are not words to express my gratitude for the gift she has given my family

We finally went to look at gravestones today. I'm not even sure I can put into words what I am feeling. Picking out a gravestone for a baby is just wrong. I've been putting it off for weeks now, maybe even months. I don't think there's any chance we'll have something ordered in time for the first anniversary.

Approaching the one year anniversary

I was really disappointed with my son's funeral. I felt like I let him down and was in no shape to do any of the planning. I was recovering from both a vaginal birth and a c-section, my daughter was still in the NICU, I had just spent 5 weeks in the hospital and my older daughter was in desperate need of my attention. I promised myself that I would make up for all the shortcomings of the funeral with the one anniversary. Jewish tradtion dictates that a grave marker be placed shortly before the one year annversary. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to remember him and do what I wasn't able to for the funeral. Except that we are now 8 weeks out and I haven't done anything. This is causing me extreme guilt, but I can't seem to start planning.