Lots of my friends are lighting candles tonight in memory of their lost babies. To anyone grieving the loss of child, I'm so sorry. It's a road I wish no parent had to travel.
I'm not sure why, but I don't want to light a candle. I do feel that the message needs to get out and that parents should be able to talk about their losses. I think there's a tendency in our society to not talk about death or anything sad for that matter. I think we especially don't want to talk about miscarriage and stillbirth. My own family makes me feel like I shouldn't be talking about my son, that I just need to move-on. That I should just be grateful that my daughter survived. I am so grateful that my daughter survived, but that doesn't make me miss her twin brother any less. You'd think based on my families' response, I'd be first in line to promote Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, but no. I've been trying all day to figure out why I feel this way, but I just can't seem to identify the feelings.
I've been struggling to find a way to honor my son's memory, I've yet to find that outlet. I want to remember him and honor him, but at the same time I don't want it to consume me. I want to move forward from the grief, I don't want it to define me. I want to carry me son's memory with me, rather than on me.