Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Wondering about who he would've been...

Last year at this time all I could think about was there should be two. I was supposed to have twins, a boy and a girl. Two years out, I keep wondering who my son would be now. What would he look like, what type of personality would he have? Would he be big like his older sister, tiny like his twin, straight hair, curly hair, eye color, etc.? I still have questions, but they're different then the early grief stage. My arms might not feel as empty, but my heart still aches.

Tomorrow is the second anniversary of my son's death.

I wasn't dreading this year like I was last year, but the hurt sort of snuck up on me. Maybe it's because my husband (who never travels) is leaving today for a business trip and will be gone until Friday, leaving me on my own for the anniversary. Maybe it's the piece I heard on NPR this morning about grief. Or maybe its that empty place in my heart that should be filled with a little boy, running and laughing with his twin sister.

Luckily my surviving twin has been extra cuddly today, because all I want to do is sit on the couch and hold onto her. I want to hold onto both my girls as tight as I can, because time goes so fast. My pregnancy, my son's death, delivering the twins seems like a lifetime ago. My oldest is finishing up kindergarten and my tiny little preemie, my precious survivor is going to be 2 years old in less than two weeks. Life goes on and while time definitely does NOT heal all wounds, I guess it does have a way of dulling the pain. Some days though, it's not nearly dull enough.