Sunday, December 13, 2009

It still stings.

I still don't know how to answer the question about how many children we have. We went to a community event tonight where we didn't know anyone. My husband had spoken to the organizer on the phone before, but we had never met her. She came over to introduce herself and commented on how cute the girls were, but of course it didn't end there. She then said, "oh two girls how lucky, are you going to try for a boy?" It felt like a stab in the heart, I thought I was doing so much better. I really wanted to say, we have a son, he died, but I didn't. I just smiled and made a comment along the lines of, oh I think we're done. I wish it didn't hurt so much, but mostly I wish people would think before they spoke. I know this woman did not mean to hurt us, but that's just my point. If you don't know someone very well maybe you shouldn't be commenting on something as personal as procreating.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Lots of my friends are lighting candles tonight in memory of their lost babies. To anyone grieving the loss of child, I'm so sorry. It's a road I wish no parent had to travel.

I'm not sure why, but I don't want to light a candle. I do feel that the message needs to get out and that parents should be able to talk about their losses. I think there's a tendency in our society to not talk about death or anything sad for that matter. I think we especially don't want to talk about miscarriage and stillbirth. My own family makes me feel like I shouldn't be talking about my son, that I just need to move-on. That I should just be grateful that my daughter survived. I am so grateful that my daughter survived, but that doesn't make me miss her twin brother any less. You'd think based on my families' response, I'd be first in line to promote Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, but no. I've been trying all day to figure out why I feel this way, but I just can't seem to identify the feelings.

I've been struggling to find a way to honor my son's memory, I've yet to find that outlet. I want to remember him and honor him, but at the same time I don't want it to consume me. I want to move forward from the grief, I don't want it to define me. I want to carry me son's memory with me, rather than on me.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Gratitude for the kindness of a stranger.

My oldest has been asking to see a picture of her brother, a lot. We've shown her some pictures of his hands and his feet, but she really wanted to see something of his face. We really weren't comfortable showing her the one we had. He didn't look very good since he had passed over week before I delivered him and we were worried it would scare her.

We found a woman that is a graphic artist who retouches pictures of babies in our situation for no charge. She did a beautiful job and we were finally able to show my daughter a picture of her brother. We also have something to show our survivor when she gets older and asks about her twin. The woman does it in memory of her own lost baby.

This journey of mine has brought some amazing women into my life without whom I'm not sure I could survive. I'm a member of a club that no one wants to join, but am eternally grateful for the generosity of the other members. I am so sorry that I had to meet another member, but there are not words to express my gratitude for the gift she has given my family

Sunday, March 29, 2009

We finally went to look at gravestones today. I'm not even sure I can put into words what I am feeling. Picking out a gravestone for a baby is just wrong. I've been putting it off for weeks now, maybe even months. I don't think there's any chance we'll have something ordered in time for the first anniversary.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Approaching the one year anniversary

I was really disappointed with my son's funeral. I felt like I let him down and was in no shape to do any of the planning. I was recovering from both a vaginal birth and a c-section, my daughter was still in the NICU, I had just spent 5 weeks in the hospital and my older daughter was in desperate need of my attention. I promised myself that I would make up for all the shortcomings of the funeral with the one anniversary. Jewish tradtion dictates that a grave marker be placed shortly before the one year annversary. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to remember him and do what I wasn't able to for the funeral. Except that we are now 8 weeks out and I haven't done anything. This is causing me extreme guilt, but I can't seem to start planning.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


One distinct change since losing my son is that I seem to live in fear. Fear of something bad happening to my daughters. It's a horrible feeling. I can't seem to shake it. I know we all worry about our children to some degree, but sometimes this feels, I don't know, stifling, overwhelming. Every time I put the baby to sleep I want to check and make sure she's breathing. If my older one has a cold, I go a little crazy. Is the baby going to catch it, is it going to turn into something worse, are we going to have to go to the hospital? I just want to feel "normal" again. Not worry all the time. Some days, I just want to wrap the girls up and protect them from the world. Yes, intellectually I know that it's not possible. I do let them go out. My older daughter goes to preschool, goes on play dates, climbs to the top of the climbing apparatus at the park. I get out of the house without them sometimes. But what I guess I want back (in addition to my son) is my innocence. You know, that ability to believe that everything is going to be ok. That if I'm a good person, live a good, moral life, than bad things won't happen to me.

Monday, March 2, 2009

My first post.

I'm not really sure what my plan is for this blog. My surviving twin is an amazing, adorable, beautiful, 9 months old girl. We lost her brother on April 28, 2008 when I was 31 weeks pregnant. I delivered my stillborn son a week and half later. That was without a doubt the worst day of my life. My daugther was born 5 days after her brother at 33 weeks gestation. Remarkably she only had to spend 8 days in the NICU, I on the otherhand spent 5 weeks in the hospital on the antepartum ward. That in and of itself was agony because not only was I watching my son slip away I had a 4 year old at home that I had never even spent one night away from before this. I guess if I have any goals for this blog it's to help me heal and maybe let some other women out there know that they are not alone in this journey.