Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The future?

Whether or not to try and get pregnant again has been weighing heavily on mind. Sometimes I think I want another baby other times I wonder if I just want a do-over. A chance to get right what went wrong with the twins. Obviously I know it doesn't work that way, but I can't help but wonder if that's why I want to try again. I know many women believe that their subsequent babies healed the hurt and mended their broken hearts, but I'm not sure I can put our family through another pregnancy.

I think my daughters are mending my broken heart. Those two little girls are what sustained me through the darkest hours of my life. When I didn't want to get out of bed or eat or even breathe, I did it because they needed me too. The baby needed to nurse, so I needed to eat. My oldest needed her Mommy more than she ever had and so I just put one foot in front of another and just pushed through.

Not only did my son die, but I lost so much time with my daughters, how can we put our family through another pregnancy. I have so many positive memories of my oldest daughter's first year, the little one's first year is a blur. We're finally starting to get ourselves back together and a pregnancy seems like going backwards to some extent. I can probably list a dozen reasons why another pregnancy is a bad idea, but there's that pull. That pull that I just can't articulate.

We're going to an adoption info session next week. We've been talking about possibly adopting a child through the foster care system. We always thought that we'd have two kids, but when we got pregnant with the twins we opened our hearts to having three. We have room in our hearts and our home for a third child, it seems right to fill that space with a child that needs a home. I know adopting an older child through the foster care system is not an easy road. My first job out of law school was representing abused and neglected children. I have a fairly realistic idea of what we're getting ourselves into. Anyway, that's our dilemma do we take in a child who desperately needs a home or do we take the pregnancy plunge. I'm hoping the answer will come to us.

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