Balance...

I've been wondering a lot lately whether my survivor understands what she's lost. She seems to be drawn to other boy/girl twins. Is it just a coincidence or on some level does she know. One of my biggest fears is putting my grief on her. My grief is not her burden (or my older daughter's either) to bear. However, I'm not sure how to balance explaining the loss to her without burdening her. I want her to know she had a twin brother, but I don't ever want her to blame herself or somehow not feel whole. The hardest part for me is that we don't even really have any memories to share with her. He was stillborn, other than me, my survivor is really the only other person that got to share some time with him while he was alive. I'm not sure there are any answers, but I sure wish there were. It seems like when you have a stillborn child, like a miscarriage, that you're supposed to pretend it never happened. That somehow you're child wasn't real because they never lived outside the womb.