Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Sometimes the smallest thing can just knock the wind out of you.

I was looking at some pictures I had downloaded off my camera when I saw it, just a innocent picture of my survivor and my nephew, and for a moment I was back in that horrible place right after my loss. It was my little girl and her cousin standing next to each other from behind. They're about the same height with similar color hair and all I could think about was that should be my twins. My son and daughter, my survivor and her twin. I don't have a single picture of the two of them together. (He was stillborn and delivered 5 days before my survivor so we weren't able to take any pictures of them together.) Earlier this week my Mom made an offhand remark that also stung. We were talking about possibly organizing a family reunion with some cousins who all have daughters and my Mom says, "isn't it funny that [my nephew] is the only boy." It felt like she had stabbed me, real funny Mom. When I called her on it she apologized profusely, but still I guess I expected more from my own mother. I have more good days than bad days lately, but those unexpected triggers still hurt.

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