Monday, March 7, 2011

Feeling like a crappy mom...

I rarely visit my son's grave. It's just not something I do, it's not convenient and honestly I don't really like going. I was running an errand for my husband today and was down the road from the cemetery. I wasn't planning on stopping. What kind of mother doesn't want to visit her son?! I had my survivor with me, so the two of us got out of the car, put some rocks on his headstone, and then stood there for a moment. Being there just makes me feel sad, it doesn't offer me any comfort and I'm never sure what I'm supposed to do while I'm there. I feel guilty for not going, I feel like I should go, it's the only thing I can do for him and I don't. My survivor told my older daughter that we went to visit their brother today and my oldest was really upset that we went without her. Of course I then felt worse, not only have I been letting down my baby, but I let down my oldest by not taking her to visit her brother. Guilt stinks, it really drains me. Do you ever feel like the guilt takes over. I'm not sure how to make peace with the cemetery visits. Anyone else feel ambivalent about visiting the cemetery?

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